Another personal thought:

I’m left speechless when even I knew what I had been through..
But when it came down to it showing through n’ through,
my body, my mind, my fears.. The pain, the memories, the tears;
The things I held back for years,
I thought that if you knew too
you would understand the demons hidden deep inside my barren ocean blue.
But when it came time to face me,
me with all of the crazy,
I thought that just maybe….. you could be there for me too.
But maybe that was too much for me to even ask of you..
Hell, it feels like too much to ask of myself.
This burden is weighed down, tied to my head and shoulders.
None the less we must do what we must to better thyself,
I will continue to carry this weight and break these boulders,
because how can I expect you to love me if  I can’t love myself?




Well guess what, I do love myself. 
I just thought it wasn’t so impossible to be loved by someone else.

I am going to write a secret novel of my experiences…

And I will end it with what I have learned from them.
In hopes of taking the time to explain how life can get better,
even after it just keeps getting worse.

Sustainability

is something one should find on their own.
I have yet to do so…
I am young, ambitious, open-minded, and willing;
Willing to build a masterpiece around the bridges that I have overcome. 

Changes

C hanges occur within the slightest thoughts
H eavily taken as the mind awakens
A ll of those who’ve experienced pain are not to be mistaken.
N o one understands the things some people go through.
G enerations of scarred souls pass and no one
E ven stops to ask, what was it that hurt you in your past,
S o much that you’re still afraid of what can be, what can last.



Just some personal thoughts I suppose.

Sometimes loneliness can be a good thing…

Other times, not so much. 
I mean, yes, everyone needs alone time every so often.
But when I am alone too often,
(which I feel I always am in mind)
Bad things start to emerge.
I start to remember,
about the things of my past that have made me who I am.


I am who I am, a strong and independent person.
I can now deal with the slightest thought of it all and live on, happily.
I have accepted these things, and therefor accepted myself.


But now, I just feel like I want someone to accept all of it with me.
I miss feeling loved and being held.
I miss not being alone. 

I am scarred with my insecurities.

Hopefully, throughout time, the scars will fade.

Sunshine on my skin,

Cool breeze through my hair,
levity leaves as they fall to the ground while my breaths catch the air, 
a single soul; not inflicted by lifes’ sound.
I’m bound to this freedom that attaches itself to my heart.
I feel bound in this cage of a mind, and its’ only release is in art.
I’m bound to this freedom that continuously grows in my mind,
a single soul; not inflicted by the sound.
Levity as the leaves fall to the ground while my breath catches air,
with a cool breeze through my hair,
sunshine on my skin,
lives become thinned,
not a second is wasted on this artificial emptiness that derives from within.

Dear Lord,

Thank you for the time that you allow us to share with each other.
With all of our loved ones and more, one day we will parish
and realize just how much it all meant to us.
I miss you Aunty Crazy. Thank you for always being there for me.
Rest in peace, Sheryl Kim.




Amen. 

Finding a job is always harder than you think. Unless you’re some highly-connected, wealthy person; or just really lucky.

Damn…

Kickin’ it.

To new beginnings—

In with the old and out with the new;
And begin the life that you thought you never knew.
Smile to those who resented the fact that you grew,
and love those who will always be there for you.
Some time has passed and more is yet to come through,
so I say it’s in with old and out with the new.

 

How do you stop the idiotic thoughts in your head without taking your own life?

I’d ask myself this a lot when my mind, body and emotions overwhelm me with this suicidal feeling.
And to anyone who knows what I’m talking about, hear me out….


Don’t take your life.
Don’t take your life for anything.. Because nothing is worth the pain and suffering that it would cause you and your loved ones.
If you need someone to talk to, someone who could possibly understand, feel free to message me privately because if there is anyone who understands feeling weak and powerless to the enemy in your mind, it’s me.
I know what it’s like when that monster comes out and shows itself.
I know the humiliation and frustration that explodes from beneath you when it shows itself in front of others.
Letting these things out in my blog is one way I use to help subside and overpower that monster.
But like I always say, only time knows, right?







Don’t take your life for granted. 
You are stronger than you make yourself out to be. 

I couldn’t sleep at all last night,

thinking to myself whether or not I’ma be alright.
Harder to breathe, my lungs feel tight..
I guess it’s those withdrawals because; quit? I just might. 

When all of your ‘true’ friends fail to reply;
I ponder whether or not we see eye-to-eye.
But nonetheless I am still going to try
to cut them tears because I know there’s no need to cry. 

I rise to life’s challenges.

Yet I fall into the depths of my mind.